#135 The Public Apology App (PAP)

October 20, 2017

As we all know, technological change often brings with it unanticipated cultural change and attendant challenges. Generally, those challenges are themselves met with novel technological advances. This is no less true for our current struggles with the new social media technology. While the social media revolution has presented new challenges, those challenges have often been overcome by new software in the form of … apps.

Like many beauty pageant contestants and political science majors, I want to make a difference. I also want to make the world a better place. In keeping with those objectives, I offer the following proposal for a clearly needed new app.

I call it the Public Apology Application (or “PAP”).

I have noticed that more and more people on Twitter particularly have been asked to make public apologies and recantments for their obviously heartfelt beliefs and sentiments. Almost universally, those people have complied. In older days, the public apology was restricted to large powerful institutions, such as governments. Social media such as Twitter have thankfully democratized this much needed societal instrument. What was once only available to large entities such as the Soviet Union under Stalin (and is still used by North Korea and China), is now finally available to the people. My app would go even further in making the task of public self-abasement easier. This is what the app would offer.

Both boiler-plate and custom apologies.

A boiler-plate apology would be something like this:

If any of my statements, actions, or habitual behaviors have unintentionally given pain or offense to anyone, I want to make it absolutely clear how very, very sorry I am that they have had to feel this way. My statements, actions, and habitual behaviors in no way represent my true beliefs or attitudes and have all been either misinterpreted, taken out of context, or were the result of the use of prescribed drugs. Or my struggles with deep personal problems or addictions. Or other matters beyond my control. Anyways, I’m really sorry. Really sorry. That they feel this way.

All apologies could, of course, be edited and the audience base adjusted. Thus, an apology could be restricted to some predefined message address database (email, messaging, twitter accounts, etc.) or it could be addressed to the world at large.

The apologies could also be titrated for degree of personal humiliation: I am sorry, I am so sorry, I am so very sorry, my sorriness goeth beyond all belief, I am beneath contempt, OMG I am so awful, etc.

My plan includes having the app available in both a free (with advertisements) version and a premium version (no advertisements). The premium version would also allow for larger apology scripts up to five typed pages in length along with an inventory of professionally done scripts written by ex-presidential speech writers.

I sincerely believe that this app would be a genuine contribution to the great goal of making the world a better place and am confident that if it were implemented, I would indeed have made a difference. And I apologize most sincerely if my efforts have unintentionally caused anyone any pain, discomfort, anxiety, nervous tic, digestive disorder, or unhappy thought. Sorry. Really.