#52: The Grand Inseminator

[this post is dedicated to my friend A.G.H., Scourge of the Left]

Imagine.

Imagine that an enterprising researcher cum engineer (no pun intended, but nonetheless accepted) invents a new, purely mechanical insemination machine; that the inventor calls this device: The Grand Inseminator; that this machine does exactly what a man does, in the same place, with a similar instrument, but without the involvement of an actual human man. (While such a device would obviously have a huge market among the lesbians and other assorted male-hating feminists, that’s not where this is going).

Imagine further that Obama manages to get a second term and that he makes Rahm Emmanuel’s deranged older brother Zeke, the Czar of absolutely all things medical.

And finally imagine (though this does not demand much of a creative effort) that crazy Zeke decides that reproduction has heretofore been far too haphazard in the U.S. Since the number and the quality of people produced “affects all of us”, he argues, reproduction should properly fall under government regulation. Consequently, he forbids the continuation of the random multiplication resulting from ungoverned frenzied out-of-control man-woman boinking. In place of the unregulated boinker, the roaming horny male, he puts the new government-certified and regulated Grand Inseminator, and establishes (of course) a new federal department: the Federal Insemination Administration (F.I.A.).

There would be many benefits to switching to the Inseminator.

First, there would be the jobs. The huge plants emptied by the fall of the auto giants could be re-tooled (sorry, no double meaning intended…) and vast armies of the currently unemployed returned to meaningful work.

Of course, there would also be the huge boost in employment due to the bureaucratic hiring necessitated on both the federal and local levels. Technicians, psychologists, specially trained gynecologists, and, most significantly, Insemination Inspectors and Insemination Panel members. All of this would be a “big boost to the economy.” Of course, there would a large spin off to supplementary industries; the plantations and factories that once produced rubber for tires, might now be producing rubber for the manufacture of thousands of Grand Inseminators. Just a thought.

I suppose the government could offer a “cash for clunkers” program in which wives received government credit for rides at the Inseminator offices if they divorced their husbands.

Second, and perhaps more important, the switch to the Inseminator would itself be a step towards the reduction of green-house gases! Consider …

a) each coupling would involve at least a 50% decrease in heavy breathing (the male portion being absent), but

b) it could involve as much as a 100% decrease, since the Inseminator is designed to automatically spray a topical anesthetic on the female pelvic region so as to ensure the total absence of any pleasure whatsoever (a further precaution against sexual pleasure is a portrait of Al Gore, whose PR release claims credit for the machine’s invention, on the ceiling of the official Insemination Room over the head of the inseminatee). The Zeke idea is to eliminate anything at all emotional from the reproductive process so as ensure that the results be scientifically and rationally defensible. I should add that this feature of the Inseminator can be turned off and is actually wired out of the system on models made specially for lady apparatchiks of the Democrat party.

c) The reduction of the number of children produced would automatically reduce the energy consumption of the U.S.

d) Crimes of passion would be eliminated (along with passion).

e) And the children produced would all have talents specifically needed by the society: there would be the jumpers, the singers, the writers of bullshit, the scientists, and smarmy bastards who infest our governments. Everything needed, but nothing more.

Hell, we don’t need to imagine – we just need to make a few verbal substitutions in the Democrat Health Plan and we have it, we have … The Grand Inseminator!